Doubts, Fears, Near Panic Mode

2/26/2013

T-89 days to Nanny Goat 100 Mile Run
I am training.  I am doing all I can to prepare for the unknown.  But it seems the more I train, the more doubt and fear is creeping into my head.  I ran 30 miles in single days the last two weeks.  But it only reminded me that there is another 70 miles beyond the 30.  How the hell will I get there???

This is not going to be easy.  I need to get my mind right because I know if I am not 100% mentally convinced, then there is 0% chance for my body to carry out the run.


Time to look within for strength.

The Quest for the Buckle

The quest has begun.  Training is in full gear.  And I am quickly coming to the realization that this is no freaking joke.  100 miles...  100 miles...  100 miles...  even the sound of that as it rolls off my tongue is scary, daunting, and seemingly improbable.  Just this past weekend as I finished a short 18 miler I thought to myself, "holy crap 82 miles to go!  No f'in way..."  Now obviously I ran a bit faster than I would have in a 100 and I can probably easily run a few more miles that day but the prospect of finishing a 100 mile run in my current state of fitness is not good.  I'd give myself a 10-20% chance actually finish the race at this point in time.  For the first time in a long time I am very scared.  I am going in without experience on my back and confidence in my heart.

The Nanny Goat 100 buckle

What I do have is four month in front of me and I MUST move that completion % from 10% to say 60-70%.  What I have is a massive amount of respect for the distance and the fear that will keep my training honest.  What I have is 29 marathons, a 45M ultra, and two doubles under my belt to lean on as I approach this epic run.  I MUST have this.  I will have this.  (tell myself enough and I will start to believe??)

Pray for me.

One race, one mile, and one step at a time

Jeff

State #23 Mississippi Blues Marathon

State #23 Mississippi Blues Marathon


The MS Blues marathon is the 23rd pit-stop of my race around these beautiful 50 States of ours.  I've got to be honest, I had some preconceived notions about the South.  Certainly, images of southern hospitality and good southern cooking came to mind (and there were plenty, check out these dishes I inhaled after the race, yes in one sitting, yes by myself)

 

seafood gumbo

fried oysters

red bean and rice with andouille sausage

but so did the darker images from history books.  Was it going to be a fun, safe trip for this Asian boy down in the deep south?  The answer is a resounding yes.  I encountered friendlier people on the race course and during my stay in Jackson than I did in many other races in big cities across the country.  I did not see many other Asians throughout my stay in MS but I certainly didn't feel out of place at any given time.

Speaking of Asians, I did finally meet Mitch "Marathon Mitch" Chan on this trip.  Great guy who is a fellow MM from So Cal.  Here is a photo of all the Asians in MS gathering at the race!

(Mitch, Jaeson Winters, and me at the start)

The flight from Orange County to Jackson included a hop through DFW and one of those small planes which is not high on my preference list (the plane).  Here is a view of Jackson from the air.

The Blues Marathon is properly named as Mississippi is obviously the home of Blues music.  The race was also sponsored by Bluecross/Shield ...  (clever huh?).  It is a small race that included the full marathon, half marathon, and the marathon relay.  The expo was small but efficient.  The swag bag was OUTSTANDING as it included a short sleeve technical shirt, a blues CD (pretty good stuff), and even a logoed harmonica!

the 2013 race started at 7:00AM at a whopping 35 degrees.  bring your jackets and blankets boys and girls!

The full marathon completed 755 runners and was well organized.  The first portion of the course (miles 1-2) was a bit crowded as I tried to maneuver around many half marathons in the streets of downtown Jackson.  However, once the course opened up it was well marked and staged with water stations and spectators.  To be honest, the out and back course was not terribly exciting once outside of the downtown area where some historical buildings resided but I did appreciate the thoughtfulness of the organization.  The half marathoners separated fairly early during the course and did not impact the flow of the full marathon.  The course included NUMEROUS rolling hills throughout, however as advertised they were gentle and usually included a fair length of flat distance between the hills.  After my experience in Atlanta, these hills paled in comparison!  I was happy with my 3:55 finish...  felt strong after a big 4th quarter 2012 where I increased my overall volume significantly.  While I didn't PR, I was able to see the strength and confidence I've gained from last year.

The finisher medal is extraordinary.  I don't usually think much about the medals but this one is pretty special!
Thanks for a great time MS!  onward to Kansas in April and 1-0-0 miles in May!

one race, one mile, and one step at a time,

Jeff

Battle of Will vs Hills - States 21 & 22

Will 1 - Hills 0

On Oct 27 & 28, 2012, I completed my second double marathon in Greenville SC and Atlanta GA. Having completed a double last year in NH/ME, I was fairly confident about a finish but was a little anxious about the logistics and time elements of the trip. I had the luxury of having Aud and Chris with me on the trip last year as well as a few extra vacation days scheduled after the races. Here is how it all went down this year.

Fri 10/26
  - 6:45AM Orange County
  - 5:30PM Greenville via Chicago

(here is a photo of Greenville from the sky)

  - 6:00PM Packet pickup
  - 7:00PM Dinner
Dinner at Soby's was just okay.  I was a little disappointed at the restaurant as there were no pasta dishes on the menu other than the kid's pasta...  which came over cooked and bland.

I really enjoyed the downtown Greenville area.  Very cool and everyone I interacted with were friendly and helpful.
  - 8:00PM Hotel checkin
  - 8:30PM buy breakfast for next day, prep for race
Its a ritual that I always set out all of my gear the night before and go over it item by item to make sure nothing is forgotten. For Greenville, I went with the Maniac set.  These two races are dedicated to fellow Maniac, Pete Mingwah who passed away earlier this year.  I had his number put on my wrist band as a small gesture.

RIP 4440

  - 10:00 Bed
It had been a long day.  I was glad to hit the bed...  damn thing was way too soft...  so much for "heavenly beds" at the Westin

Sat 10/27
  - 5:00AM breakfast, shower, race prep, pack
  - 7:00AM Mile walk to the start line
  - 7:30AM Spinx Marathon

I really enjoyed meeting a group of Maniacs and 50 Staters before and during the run.  I, like most Marathon Maniac/50 Stater tend to look for one another at the races.  While we all come from all different walks of life (location, race, ethnicity, gender, age), we all share this cult like love for running and marathons.  Every Maniac and 50 Stater brings his/her story and inspiration and I am blessed to be able to meet each on this journey.  I've learned a lot in the last few years about what these chance meetings mean in life.  Life is short and precious for all of us.  Sometimes you meet someone for a brief moment and you never know if you will have to chance to see them again.  For that, I treasure the memories of all the good people who I've crossed path  with along the way....

(pre race, Spinx Marathon 2012)

The course of the Spinx marathon was scenic and fairly easy.  There were a few rolling hills but nothing extreme.  The out and back course involved many bike paths through beautiful fall colored trees as well as a tour of Furman University.  Here are a few photos during the run

Instead of a timing mat at the 13.5 turnaround, the organizers handed out wrist bands to each runner.  You've got to have a wrist band to get your medal.  I guess its Greenville's anti-Kip Litton insurance!
I did see something that stopped me dead in my tracks.  Had to stop to take a photo of this...  SMH...  I guess I am just not used to seeing something like this in CA.  I've become too used to political correctness... this is the South after all.

(I'd love to meet "TR")

(Here I am at mile 25 with Pete)

The finish of the race was inside Fluor field (Minor League Baseball Team stadium) and rounding the baseball field.  Very cool experience.  Official time 4:11:40.  I got a little tempted to go sub 4 (was on pace) in the first half but pulled back knowing there was another race tomorrow...  Probably should have ran a little slower...

  - 11:45 ICE BATH, Shower, pack

(think running a marathon is painful?  try an ice bath)

Got back to the hotel room in time to sit in the ice bath I had prepared in the morning.  It only hurts the first few minutes and then you just kind of go numb....

 - 12:30 Lunch - Henry's Smokehouse

(Henry's smoke house.  As advertised.  Great pull pork sandwich.  Damn good.)

  - 1:00 Drive to Atlanta
This was an easy drive of 2.5 hours.  It gave me a chance to call home and relax on the road.  The bluetooth in the Sonata I rented worked perfectly with the iPhone for navigation, music, and hands free calling.  I was in the city before I knew it.

  - 3:45 Packet pickup, buy breakfast
  - 5:15 Hotel checkin
  - Relax!
  - 6:00 Dinner at the Spence (Richard Blais' restaurant)
Aud and I are big fan's of Top Chef and Richard Blais.  While Richard got robbed in Season 4, he redeemed himself in All Stars.  I couldn't miss the chance of dining at his new restaurant, The Spence which happened to be about a mile from my ATL hotel.

The restaurant sits near GT campus on a vibrant street with several businesses.  The dining experience was fantastic.  Dinner for the night was Oysters and Pearls, Bone Marrow/Tuna Tartar/Quail Eggs, and Beet Pasta with Duck.  That bone marrow dish should be outlawed its so good.

All the characters from Life after Top Chef were present in the restaurant...  very cool to see.  Too bad Richard was not in the place.  But I had a wonderful dinner.  As I was walking out of the restaurant, guess who I bump into at the door?  Top Chef Richard Blais!  It is very unlike me but I stopped him and introduced myself and asked if I can take a photo with him.  Without missing a beat, he said "of course, let me get someone to take our picture".  This was definitely one of the highlights of the trip!

  - 7:30 Prep for race, watch ESPN, packing
  - 10:00 Bed
You'd think that after running 26.2 miles, I'd be dead tired and be able to sleep like a baby.  I woke up at 12:00 and for the life of me couldn't fall back asleep.  not until about 2:00AM...  just right before the alarm sounded at 4:00AM...

Sun 10/28

  - 4:00AM three alarms on three devices go off at once.  I just had to make sure I got up...  long day ahead.

So you think the life of a marathon junky is glamorous?  Its all hotel buffets?  Think again...  this is a typical marathon breakfast for me...  Aleve is a must on a double.

  - 7:00 Atlanta Marathon

It was one of the toughest races I've experienced in recent past.  Especially tough on the second day of a double.  One word describes this race.  HILLS.  The entire course is laced with hills.  Think I am exaggerating?  See for yourself.  Follow the green line.

Insane.  Hill after hill after hill.  Just for a moment around miles 17-20 I thought about giving up.  I worried about not making back to my hotel in order to catch the flight back to Cali.  I cursed the course, I cursed the light rain, and I cursed the chill of the air.  Then I remembered why I was there.  I was there to challenge myself.  I was there to better my double time from last year.  I was there to finish these races with Pete4440...  I toughed it out.  It wasn't pretty.  Official time 4:52:09.  I had missed my goal time of 9 hours combined double by just three minutes.  But I wasn't upset.  I was happy to finish and to overcome those damned hills.

(at the finish line ATL marathon 10/28/12)

  - 1:00 PM lunch
In case you haven't noticed, besides running, I love to eat.  And I love good food.  After surveying the locals I found my way to Moe's Original BBQ.  It was a damn good find.  Honestly I can't think of a better post marathon meal than some deep fried goodness, mac/cheese, and of course some more good southern BBQ!  I got the cat fish platter for lunch and got the pull pork sandwich to go for dinner.  Forget airline food!

 - 3:00 at the Gate of my flight back to the OC
Exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open.  I finally take a deep breath as this weekend comes to a close.  I look down at the new set of twins draped on my neck.  Aww, what a good feeling.  State 21 and 22 done.  Onwards!

One race, one mile, and one step at a time,

Jeff

10/30/12

An(other) Open Letter to Lance Haters

This has been a very difficult week for me is an understatement.

Lance Armstrong has been a hero to me from the time I learned of his story of defeating cancer, his 7 tour wins, and through his comeback attempt just a few years back.  I have not consider a man to be an idol since I was a kids in grade school.

My mother survived cancer twice in the last 6 years and I wear this yellow bracelet on my wrist proudly almost every day.  This bracelet symbolizes courage, inspiration, hope, and yeah a big fuck you to not only cancer but also all the things in life that may seen insurmountable.  I've had this bracelet while sitting in the hospital with mom after her surgeries and I've had this bracelet with me as I covered marathons after marathons.

For those who know me personally, you know that I pride myself in being a logical and realistic man.  I am also one who think that there shouldn't be an ocean of grey when it comes to what is right vs wrong.  You either do the right things or you don't.  And, I'll admit, I tend to think of the worst in people.  But I've always kept that small glimmer of hope for mankind in my heart.  I've always kept that little space inside for Lance against all the allegations he has faced in the past and  particularly this year.  If anyone deserved the benefit of the doubt, Lance did....

I was the first to discount the allegations brought forth by the USADA.  It seemed like a tired witch hunt against my personal hero.  It seemed like an attack against everything I believed in...  keeping hope, defeating the impossible, LIVING STRONG.  I argued against friends about the fairness of the USADA process and the number of tests Lance has passed in the decades he has raced.  I argued about the merit of the Livestrong foundation and the good it has done for cancer survivors.  But as the weeks have gone by, as more evidence presented, and as more former teammates testified, I've been forced to evaluate my position. I am forced to look at this objectively and put aside the very strong feelings I've developed about this yellow bracelet.  It breaks my heart to say that I think that yes, it is most likely that Lance Armstrong cheated the sport of cycling.

Others supporters say they do not care whether or not Lance cheated.  They believe that all the positives of the Livestrong foundation outweigh the possibility that he may have cheated.  Stuart Scott, cancer survivor tweets his support of Livestrong despite the allegations and even if they are true.

To me, its not that simple.  I do care.  I care about whether or not Lance cheated.  I care about the character of someone that I've come to consider a hero.  AND, I have a difficult time separating Lance from Livestrong.  To me, the two are intertwined so deeply that its not as easy as to say, "I can continue to support the brand even if Lance cheated."  It doesn't work that way... and its not something I can resolve so quickly.

What I've learned through this is that I will never put another human being on that pedestal again.  Lance Armstrong, like the rest of us is flawed.  None of us are perfect.  My hope for humanity has dimmed further (if that is even possible)...  all I can hope for and work on in the future is my own conduct and legacy in life.  I hope to live up to all those things once represented by the yellow bracelet in some way.  Maybe I've looked for heros in the wrong places.  Maybe, the hero that we are all looking for is within ourselves.  For that, the yellow band stays on my wrist...  not only as a reminder of what is possible but a big continued fuck you to cancer, hardship in life, and most of all, the haters who will continue to hate...


one race, one mile, one step at a time,

Jeff

The New Frontier

On April 5th, 2063, a Vulcan ship conducting a survey mission in the Sol systemdetected the warp signature from the Phoenix, Earth's first warp-capable vessel. 

The 2011 NH/ME double was what I considered my first warp speed voyage into a brand new frontier of running.  I discover that there was running beyond 26.2 and I cannot stop myself from seeing where the edge of my running universe.  

I've just signed up for my first 100M race coming up in 2013 at the Nanny Goat 12H/24H/100.  It is held over Memorial weekend 5/25/13 in Riverside CA.  I am so very excited. I will share much more as the date approach and my training and prep intensify.  I feel like the way I did the first time I committed to a marathon.  I've missed that mixture of fear and excitement of the unknown.  
Lets hope that this ship doesn't crash and burn...  whether or not I finish, it will be an epic run.  Lets do this!

Here is a video of fellow Marathon Maniac Tony Nguyen (AKA Endorphin Dude) at last year's Nanny Goat.  Inspirational.  Part of the reason why I decided to give this thing a go...  check it out.

Why we run and State #20

6/3/2012 Casper Marathon was marathon State #20 in my journey of running the 50 States.  

It was a great running weekend.  I flew into Denver and met up with Mike L, aka Yoda.  Mike and I then made the trek in his Jeep up to Casper.  For those unfamiliar, Mike is a former co-worker who moved to Denver two years ago.  While we worked together, Mike become somewhat of a running coach/partner for me as well as a good friend.  As a 3:30 Ironman marathon runner, Yoda as I call him, is in a different league from my pedestrian pace.  He taught me a lot about running, and we became good friends who talked everything from work to family life during our daily lunch runs.  The trip gave us a chance to catch up.  Other than the air conditioning cutting in/out of the Jeep, the road trip was awesome.

Going into this race, I knew I was well under prepared.  Since the ultra in April, I have not been mentally focused on running.  And given that I had set out to run only one PR race a year (earlier 2012 in El Paso), I did not train hard and did not expect a fast finish.  And the result showed.  4:31 is one of the slowest races I've run in recent years.

The marathon itself was a well organized and small (250 runner) race.

The "expo," well there really was not one, it was just for the packet pick up at the host hotel (Ramada Inn) in a function room.  There were a few t-shirts and other items for sale but it served primarily for bib pick-up and to answer any questions about the race, shuttle, etc.  The organizers were very friendly and answered our questions.

Casper Marathon was the first time I joined a race organized pre-race pasta dinner.  It was actually pretty good!  I avoided the cream sauce just to be safe :).  The dinner was probably 70% 50 State Marathon Club members!  I had a great time at dinner chatting with fellow MM and 50 Staters.  As we walked back after dinner, Mike said to me "I never knew there were that many crazy people out there."  That actually meant a lot coming from a guy who trains insane hours for the Ironman.  So thanks Yoda!  I take that as a compliment!

At race morning, there is A shuttle that runs from the Ramada up to the start of the race at the Casper Event Center.  The distance between the hotel and the center is a bit over 1 mile up a good hill.  It is walkable but we decided to wait for the shuttle.  One issue is that there is only one small bus running about every 15 minutes (which started at 4:30 AM).  The race actually started a few minutes late b/c they were not able to shuttle everyone up in time.  One big plus is that the event center allowed runners to stay warm inside and offered coffee and water.  it also provided real restroom which were clean and much preferred to porta-potties.

While the course was not breathe taking, it was very pleasant and on a beautiful town/course.  Front half of the course were on open roads surrounded by open fields where antelopes can be spotted.  Mid part of the course were largely on the paved trails along the river.  Final part of the race involved some more trail and a circle around the golf course.  caution of multiple (a lot) rolling hills throughout the course.  Much of the mid-late part of the course involved loops and turns which won't do well as a PR course.  Traffic was very well controlled with minimal road crossing (since most of the course was on the riverside trail).  Half marathon and marathon races were well spaced apart that I never even noticed the 1/2 marathoners.

I give major points to the finish line for pronouncing my name correctly;)  The finish area is well organized with lot and lots of food and drinks.  Watermelon was the best part for me!  Overall, Casper was one of the finer small races I've run and is recommended.  While I did not run a great time I had a good time.

The experience of this run gave me the inspiration and opportunity to ponder why people like us love to run and run as much as we do.  I think this question has been asked many times to almost every Marathon Maniac and 50 Stater  that we tend to give some generic answer or answer with something witty instead of really examining the answer at the core of what we do.  Perhaps it is just difficult to verbalize the answer in a clear and concise way.  Or perhaps the answer is more emotional than logical and is not meant to be shared.  Obviously everyone has a different story and draws on their own life experience for inspiration and motivation.  But, in my opinion, I think there is a clear common thread amongst all endurance runners.  

Running for people like us is our way to take control of our otherwise chaotic lives.  We define running as we see appropriate and running in turn defines us.  Running for us is both a physical and spiritual experience.  With each breathe, each stride, and each ache and pain, we feel our vulnerability as well vitality.  And with each triumph and defeat, we sail in waves of our emotional sea. I feel more alive during a marathon than I do 50% of everyday life.  What I see is that sometimes the love we have for running is cult like.  And although when we lace up our Nike (Asics in my case) NOT to meet the aliens in the space ship, we do so to get closer to our own divine entity.  We do so to feel alive.

One race, one mile, and one step at a time,

Jeff