This has been a very difficult week for me is an understatement.
Lance Armstrong has been a hero to me from the time I learned of his story of defeating cancer, his 7 tour wins, and through his comeback attempt just a few years back. I have not consider a man to be an idol since I was a kids in grade school.
My mother survived cancer twice in the last 6 years and I wear this yellow bracelet on my wrist proudly almost every day. This bracelet symbolizes courage, inspiration, hope, and yeah a big fuck you to not only cancer but also all the things in life that may seen insurmountable. I've had this bracelet while sitting in the hospital with mom after her surgeries and I've had this bracelet with me as I covered marathons after marathons.
For those who know me personally, you know that I pride myself in being a logical and realistic man. I am also one who think that there shouldn't be an ocean of grey when it comes to what is right vs wrong. You either do the right things or you don't. And, I'll admit, I tend to think of the worst in people. But I've always kept that small glimmer of hope for mankind in my heart. I've always kept that little space inside for Lance against all the allegations he has faced in the past and particularly this year. If anyone deserved the benefit of the doubt, Lance did....
I was the first to discount the allegations brought forth by the USADA. It seemed like a tired witch hunt against my personal hero. It seemed like an attack against everything I believed in... keeping hope, defeating the impossible, LIVING STRONG. I argued against friends about the fairness of the USADA process and the number of tests Lance has passed in the decades he has raced. I argued about the merit of the Livestrong foundation and the good it has done for cancer survivors. But as the weeks have gone by, as more evidence presented, and as more former teammates testified, I've been forced to evaluate my position. I am forced to look at this objectively and put aside the very strong feelings I've developed about this yellow bracelet. It breaks my heart to say that I think that yes, it is most likely that Lance Armstrong cheated the sport of cycling.
Others supporters say they do not care whether or not Lance cheated. They believe that all the positives of the Livestrong foundation outweigh the possibility that he may have cheated. Stuart Scott, cancer survivor tweets his support of Livestrong despite the allegations and even if they are true.
To me, its not that simple. I do care. I care about whether or not Lance cheated. I care about the character of someone that I've come to consider a hero. AND, I have a difficult time separating Lance from Livestrong. To me, the two are intertwined so deeply that its not as easy as to say, "I can continue to support the brand even if Lance cheated." It doesn't work that way... and its not something I can resolve so quickly.
What I've learned through this is that I will never put another human being on that pedestal again. Lance Armstrong, like the rest of us is flawed. None of us are perfect. My hope for humanity has dimmed further (if that is even possible)... all I can hope for and work on in the future is my own conduct and legacy in life. I hope to live up to all those things once represented by the yellow bracelet in some way. Maybe I've looked for heros in the wrong places. Maybe, the hero that we are all looking for is within ourselves. For that, the yellow band stays on my wrist... not only as a reminder of what is possible but a big continued fuck you to cancer, hardship in life, and most of all, the haters who will continue to hate...
one race, one mile, one step at a time,
Jeff
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